Dear 2020…

You induced turbulence and waves of emotional grief. You were unkind and relentless. You made me stand still while things around me moved in a fast pace. You tired me out and ripped my heart out of my chest. With these challenges there are many lessons learned. I have no control of fate, love can be omnipotent and even though social distancing keeps people apart, friendship, strength, courage and hope are resilient.

The beginning of 2020 was very challenging as Government announced the Pandemic and along with that came the rules like isolation and distancing. Staying away from family and friends was very challenging. Then schools closed and we started online learning. We only travelled around Ontario and spent time in nature. I started questioning a lot of things and there are so many emotions, feelings and thoughts about this entire pandemic. I can’t put it into words because there are too many things to reflect on. I’m still processing the entire thing. I started journaling more, doing art, yoga, reading more and staying creative. In the air lingered uncertainty, worry and fear for the future.

The last time I blogged was on October 23, 2020. I wrote that my father was coming and that I was going to take care of him. The first week he was here it was the hardest week of my life. I won’t go into detail. I felt so crushed and broken by his condition. His symptoms didn’t seem right to me. I took him to the hospital. They did all the tests and the results showed cancer. He went into isolation at the Hospital because he just came from Greece and I didn’t see him for two or three weeks. He was then moved to a palliative care unit and I was able to spend every day with him. I can’t get into detail about his condition and what he went through. It is too hard for me to describe. My father passed away on Dec 8, 2020. I was with him holding his hand and he knew I was there with him. I told him I love him and told him he is an amazing father to me. I cry every day and replay the last hours with him in my head. I’m broken. My heart aches. I cry and miss him. I think about him everyday. As I am writing my mind stops and thinks “What just happened?” Everything feels like it happened so fast. I know I was not alone in that room with my father holding his hand, I felt my mother with me.

Thank you for your messages, flowers and prayers. Thank you all for being there for me.

Even though it was a turbulent road and a lot of emotional chaos, I will add that love and faith in God is what kept me going. The love that I eternally have for my father gave me strength and courage to get through the hard moments. I can’t reflect on a lot things that have happened in the past two months. A lot of things are a haze, I’m still mourning and my thoughts make me tired. My tears just pour out unexpectedly through the day. I will be okay. Knowing my father is not suffering anymore and he is with my mother gives me peace.

I am hopeful and I feel loved. I have courage and strength to move forward with my family. My mother and father would want the best for me and I must keep that in mind. I love them and think about them everyday. They are around me and a part of me. I can feel them stronger than ever. Love, strength courage and hope are within me and I am resilient.