Dear 2020…

You induced turbulence and waves of emotional grief. You were unkind and relentless. You made me stand still while things around me moved in a fast pace. You tired me out and ripped my heart out of my chest. With these challenges there are many lessons learned. I have no control of fate, love can be omnipotent and even though social distancing keeps people apart, friendship, strength, courage and hope are resilient.

The beginning of 2020 was very challenging as Government announced the Pandemic and along with that came the rules like isolation and distancing. Staying away from family and friends was very challenging. Then schools closed and we started online learning. We only travelled around Ontario and spent time in nature. I started questioning a lot of things and there are so many emotions, feelings and thoughts about this entire pandemic. I can’t put it into words because there are too many things to reflect on. I’m still processing the entire thing. I started journaling more, doing art, yoga, reading more and staying creative. In the air lingered uncertainty, worry and fear for the future.

The last time I blogged was on October 23, 2020. I wrote that my father was coming and that I was going to take care of him. The first week he was here it was the hardest week of my life. I won’t go into detail. I felt so crushed and broken by his condition. His symptoms didn’t seem right to me. I took him to the hospital. They did all the tests and the results showed cancer. He went into isolation at the Hospital because he just came from Greece and I didn’t see him for two or three weeks. He was then moved to a palliative care unit and I was able to spend every day with him. I can’t get into detail about his condition and what he went through. It is too hard for me to describe. My father passed away on Dec 8, 2020. I was with him holding his hand and he knew I was there with him. I told him I love him and told him he is an amazing father to me. I cry every day and replay the last hours with him in my head. I’m broken. My heart aches. I cry and miss him. I think about him everyday. As I am writing my mind stops and thinks “What just happened?” Everything feels like it happened so fast. I know I was not alone in that room with my father holding his hand, I felt my mother with me.

Thank you for your messages, flowers and prayers. Thank you all for being there for me.

Even though it was a turbulent road and a lot of emotional chaos, I will add that love and faith in God is what kept me going. The love that I eternally have for my father gave me strength and courage to get through the hard moments. I can’t reflect on a lot things that have happened in the past two months. A lot of things are a haze, I’m still mourning and my thoughts make me tired. My tears just pour out unexpectedly through the day. I will be okay. Knowing my father is not suffering anymore and he is with my mother gives me peace.

I am hopeful and I feel loved. I have courage and strength to move forward with my family. My mother and father would want the best for me and I must keep that in mind. I love them and think about them everyday. They are around me and a part of me. I can feel them stronger than ever. Love, strength courage and hope are within me and I am resilient.

Dear November And December…

Dear November and December you came in like two sisters who back each other up. Sometimes you get along and sometimes you don’t. You fight, you love and you forgive.

FORGIVENESS

I haven’t written or vlogged for a long time. I was taking care of my family and my dad. I was so busy and tired and then I go the flu. My body and mind was so stressed and tired. I feel I still haven’t fully recovered. My husband helped me so much. He did the laundry and cleaning and he was there for me. I’m so grateful. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

LOVE

I’ve been looking at pictures and got so emotional today. Time goes by so fast. My girls are growing so fast it’s scary.

I feel the winter blues have gotten to me and this is why I need to make some goals and plans for my self.

GOALS

I’m trying to be grateful for everything. I’m also trying to follow my heart and sometimes the dreams and my heart conflict with reality. If you know how to fix this let me know. I feel every time I try to follow my dreams and heart it fails on me. It never works out. I’m trying to be patient. I pray to God and ask for his help. I’m emotional and feel so many things. I hope things work out for me.

HOPEFUL

My energy is lower. By the time I go to bed I use to read and watch some Netflix but lately I’m so tired I go to sleep.

I won this lovely candle from POETRY OF THE GODS. I gifted this to my sister-in-law. ❤️

I’m going to be honest and say that I’m not happy in Toronto. This city doesn’t make me happy. The architecture and lifestyle doesn’t make me happy and full of joy. My body and heart are aching to live close to the ocean and nature. I feel like getting out of this city and never coming back. I’m sorry if it sounds negative. I love my house and the memories made. Sometimes we just have to follow our heart and inner call. My call is to get my family out of this crazy busy lifestyle. I want to be a part of a smaller community that is close to each other and to the sea. I don’t care how cold it gets and I don’t care how much snow the new place gets. I care about being close to nature.

I won this lovely tea from Instagram. Mighty Leaf Tea is so good. I’m so grateful.

THE CALL

My one goal for 2020 is to get my driving lessons completed and find a home that has a great community and school for my children. Must be close to the ocean. 🌊 That’s it. So with the help of the universe and God, may he guide us toward the right direction.

GUIDANCE

I managed to save some Christmas clips and photos through November and December. I hope you enjoy them. I love sharing them with you.

I won this lovely tea on Instagram from TEA SPARROW. Really lovely tea!

SHARE THE LOVE

My words for the two months were patience, vulnerability, courage and strength. I believe life sometimes gives us a lot of things to deal with. And no matter how sensitive we are as humans we need to allow our self to feel, to cry and to stand up for our selves. Also to support each other and surround each other with positive people. It’s vital to eliminate negative people. Sometimes situations are difficult and eliminating negative people is hard but ultimately it’s imperative for your self. Whether this takes one day or many months it’s important to surround your self with love and kindness.

This was my Christmas Bucket list. I did everything except visit the Christmas Market. Maybe next Christmas. I wish you all a very happy New Year! Have a beautiful and magical 2020!